Day 32: Courage and Strength
Yesterday, I had the great pleasure of going to a Tony Robbins event. When I first agreed to go I didn't have a pressing issue in my life but I'm all for self improvement and I was looking forward to learning something new. Nothing in life happens by accident...
Last Friday a family member I love, committed the crime of taking someone's life. He then unsuccessfully tried to take his own. As much as it is a shock to read it was a shock to absorb. Physically I was sick, scared, sad and felt completely helpless. I know that the world does not stop for me so I knew I needed to keep going with my day. However, my body felt as though I was disconnected in a way I have never felt. Even as I type today the feeling returns, it's awful.
When something in my life that I don't want or like happens I consciously stop and figure out what I can do to make it better. Where can I find the positive in this, am I operating out of ego and it's not the situation but me that needs adjusting? This event was not an easy fix. We (my uncle and I) had not been close over the recent years but I still love and cared for him and worried about his wellbeing. I have such fond memories of him when I was a child and we are forever connected. He has many people who love him and I worry about them too. My concern was also for the victim and family.
My uncle has had a history of mental illness, recently he has been in and out of mental health facilities he's been struggling and we all knew it. My first thought, did he get off his meds again?... Does it matter at this point? The nightmare has already been set in motion... It wasn't until the end of the day that we were able to find out he was going to survive.
For the next few days I went about my life, at times feeling guilty for doing so. Because he had been the one to call the police he was under police custody while in the hospital and no one has been able to see/talk to him. All I can do is hope and pray that he knows we love him.
Over the next few days I had shared the news with four people outside my family and asked that they not share with anyone. The problem with that is I was hiding something, I was having a feeling fear of what people would think and say behind my back once they knew. With the world we live in I had this real concern that someone would post the story on social media and I would be outed. That is not how I want to live, I do not care what life throws at me, I am grateful- not ashamed...
The other confusing part was this traumatic event does not have anything to do with my day to day life. One friend did ask me, "why does it bother you?" She is a very close dear friend and loves me and she knows what happened and it doesn't change her feelings about me so why should I let it bother me. This was something I was still trying to find the answer to myself. For me, I just couldn't help but be affect by this...
Then Tony Robbins moves in just in time. He gave me the answers I was looking for. When we are in a state of suffering we are only focused on ourselves. As though the world is doing this to me and I have no control. This is not how I choose to believe I ended up with a life I am so grateful for- an accident I had no control over- no way. Now I did not choose this horrible thing that happened and it's really difficult to find a positive side to this but I now have a process of coping.
Sit down place both hand on your heart, breath two deep breaths. Now continue as you do the following:
- Find three things you are grateful for.
- Enjoy those things/people. Get up. Move. Don't sit around suffering, find a reason to laugh.
- Love, give and be grateful. Hug those you love, make eye contact with the waitress, give to the needy and be grateful for all you do have.
When something like this traumatic event happens there are two ways to look at it, reasons as to why things are so bad for you (continue to live in the suffering state) or: my biography is not my destiny. I will live in a beautiful state and I will get through it. I will use this as a reason to deliberately live better...
During Tony's talk he talked about God having a conversation with a human, "How's life going?" God asked. "It's horrible everything sucks, these ants they are so small they bite like hell- why did you make them?". Or another conversation could be, "These ants they are so damn tiny! The courage they have to bite me- it's amazing!"
When I heard the story I knew Tony wanted us all to have the outlook from the human in the second scenario but I couldn't stop thinking about the ant! Right? Yeah, I want the courage of the ant and the strength.
My reason for writing is not to gain sympathy but to be apart a conversation about mental health in our country. It's the last taboo topic that needs more attention.